Someone asks where you’d like to go for dinner. “Anywhere is fine,” you say. Sometimes that’s true. Other times you know exactly where you’d like to go, but you’re already calculating who might object. Eventually you can get so quick at that calculation that you stop consulting yourself.
Self-agency is the sense that you can form an intention, make a choice, and have some influence on what happens next. It’s easy to overlook its role in human potential. Someone may be perceptive, imaginative, and capable of leadership, yet spend years in a role where all that talent goes into anticipating other people’s decisions. The ability is there. There’s very little room to exercise it.
How people learn to leave themselves out
Imagine a colleague who sees a flaw in a plan. The first time she raises a concern, the meeting moves on. The second time, her manager takes her aside and tells her to be more agreeable. By the sixth meeting she keeps the idea to herself. From the outside she looks disengaged. From the inside she’s making a sensible judgment about the cost of speaking.
A new manager may genuinely welcome questions. Even so, it can take several meetings before she risks offering one. Part of recovering agency is recognizing where an old forecast still fits and where the conditions have changed. Sometimes the conditions really do need to change. An ally who will back her up may do more for her ability to speak than another reminder to be confident.
Find a decision that belongs to you
Think of one recent moment when you agreed to something and felt a small pang afterward. Slow the scene down. What did you want? What did saying yes protect? What choice, however modest, was available at the time?
Suppose you agreed to organize another family gathering. You enjoy bringing people together, but you’re worn out from doing the cooking and cleanup. Your preference might be quite specific. “I’d love to host lunch if someone else brings the food.” A smaller first move might be, “Let me look at my week and get back to you tomorrow.” That pause gives your own answer time to form.
Keep track of your influence
After you make a choice, notice one consequence you helped bring about. Perhaps your sibling ordered lunch. Perhaps nobody volunteered, and you chose a picnic instead. Either way, your preference entered the decision and changed what you did. Revisiting those moments can help you maintain agency when life gets busy again.
There may be parts of your life where money, caregiving, or another person’s power sharply limits your options. Begin where a choice is genuinely yours. The question worth asking is, “Where could something I care about take a slightly different course because I had a say?”
Explore related support
Explore counselling for self-esteem and personal growth counselling for support with confidence, choices and direction. Learn about working with Alistair Gordon.
