At lunch, a group of colleagues likes to pick apart the work of whoever is absent. At first you stay quiet. One day someone describes a mistake so vividly that you laugh. A few weeks later, you save a story from your morning because you know it will get a laugh too. On the way home, it occurs to you that the person in your story trusted you.
“Social osmosis” is a way to describe that gradual borrowing. We notice what earns a smile, what meets an awkward silence, and what keeps us included. A group rarely needs to announce its expectations. By the time you find yourself doing something out of character, you may have been learning those expectations for months.
Pay attention to what the group rewards
Someone going through a painful time may need to talk about it repeatedly. A friend can be sad, angry, or discouraged and still be a generous influence in your life. You can usually learn more by looking at what happens between you. Is there room for an honest answer? Can either person disagree? After a difficult conversation, do you understand each other a little better?
Compare two versions of the same lunch. In one, a colleague says, “I’m frustrated. Can you help me think through what to say to him?” In the other, somebody imitates him, and anyone who declines to join in becomes the next joke. Both conversations contain frustration. Only one requires you to make someone smaller as the price of admission.
Change your part in one exchange
At the next lunch, try one response you can say naturally. “That sounds frustrating. What happened when you spoke with him?” If the group returns to the imitation, a shorter line may suit you better. “I’d rather leave that story for her to tell.” Then change the subject or excuse yourself. Where challenging the group carries a real cost, quietly giving it less access to your time can be a reasonable choice.
Notice what follows. Someone may be relieved you spoke. The group might carry on without you. Or you might discover you enjoy one colleague’s company much more on a walk together than at the crowded table. Each outcome tells you something about where to invest in the relationship.
The same gradual influence can work in your favour. Think of a person around whom you’re a little more curious, courageous, or forgiving. What do they actually do? Perhaps they ask a second question before judging someone. The next time a friend brings you a messy story, try borrowing that habit and see where the conversation goes.
Explore related support
For support with relationship patterns and boundaries, explore relationship counselling and personal growth counselling. Learn about working with Alistair Gordon.
