How this relationship check-in works

This tool is designed as a calm, structured weekly check-in you can do in about 10 to 25 minutes. The goal is to move from reactive conversations to intentional conversations: “Here’s what matters, here’s what I need, and here’s what we can try next.” Many evidence-based couple interventions and relationship education programs use a similar idea: set a shared frame, practice skills, and make small plans you can actually follow through on.¹²

You will work through the same steps each week. That repetition is a feature, not a bug. When the format stays steady, your nervous systems do not have to guess what is coming next. That makes it easier to listen, stay kind, and problem-solve as a team.¹

The flow is inspired by evidence-based couple therapy and relationship education practices, including structured check-ins, appreciation/gratitude, high-quality listening, and small behavioural agreements.¹² It is not a substitute for therapy. But it can help you bring more clarity and consistency to the way you stay connected.

Set an intention

A brief intention helps you remember what you are building together, especially when you are stressed or tired. Think of it as choosing the tone and the purpose before you start. In many relationship programs, a shared frame makes it easier to stay collaborative instead of adversarial.¹²

Appreciation

Starting with appreciation is not fluff. Research on gratitude in romantic relationships links gratitude with relationship maintenance processes and higher relationship quality, partly because gratitude can promote warmth, responsiveness, and commitment-supporting behaviours.⁴⁵

Tip: keep appreciations specific, recent, and about effort or care (not global personality labels). One thoughtful, believable sentence lands better than ten generic compliments.⁴

Connection rating & “what went right”

A quick connection rating helps you name what is true right now without blame. The rating is not a verdict. It is a snapshot that helps you notice patterns over time.

Noticing what went right, and responding actively to good news, is associated with relationship well-being. In research on “capitalization,” partners who respond in an enthusiastic, supportive way to each other’s positive events tend to report better relationship outcomes.⁶

Outside stress & support requests

Stress often spills into couple interactions. Many couple interventions explicitly help partners identify outside stressors and coordinate support, because what looks like “you are mad at me” is sometimes “I am overloaded and running out of capacity.”¹

Research on dyadic coping suggests that when partners treat stress as a shared problem and support each other well, couples tend to report better relationship outcomes.⁹

Needs & clear requests

Feeling understood and responded to is a major pathway to closeness. In relationship science, perceived partner responsiveness (feeling understood, validated, and cared for) is a core ingredient of intimacy and well-being in close relationships.⁷⁸

High-quality listening plus clear requests make responsiveness easier. When the request is specific, your partner does not have to guess what would help, and you are more likely to feel met.⁷

Tensions & gentle start-ups

Regular, gentle issue-raising reduces build-up. A structured weekly format (like Gottman’s “State of the Union” meeting) helps couples raise topics more safely, because the conversation has a beginning, a middle, and an end.³

Research on couple interactions also suggests that how conversations start can matter for how they go over time, which is why “gentle start-ups” are emphasized in many practical couple frameworks.¹⁷

Guided listening & feeling understood

Feeling listened to predicts feeling understood. Guided listening practices help reduce escalation and increase constructive engagement by slowing the conversation down and making understanding the goal of each turn.⁷

One well-known structure is the speaker–listener technique: one partner speaks briefly while the other reflects back what they heard before responding. This creates a built-in pause for accuracy and emotional safety.¹⁰

Small agreements that actually happen

Smaller, specific agreements are more likely to be followed through on. “If-then” plans (implementation intentions) have strong evidence for improving follow-through in many areas of life, because they tie an action to a clear cue.¹¹

Treat agreements as experiments. You are not proving who is right. You are testing what helps. If something fails, shrink it or change the cue, rather than turning it into a moral issue.¹¹

A connection ritual

Healthy relationships are not built only by fixing problems. They are built by repeated moments of connection. Research on relationship rituals suggests that meaningful, shared rituals are linked with higher relationship satisfaction and commitment, especially when both partners agree that the ritual “counts” as part of the relationship.¹²¹³

Closing on purpose

Ending with a takeaway and a hope creates emotional closure and a shared sense of direction. Many evidence-based approaches include some version of “summarize what we learned and choose a next step,” because it helps the conversation land and makes change more likely to show up in real life.¹²

Important safety note

If you feel afraid of your partner, or if there is coercion/control or violence, a self-guided check-in may not be appropriate. Some professional guidance recommends careful screening and safety planning when intimate partner violence is present, and it may not be safe to do couples work in those circumstances.¹⁴¹⁶

In an emergency call 911 (Canada). If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, you can call or text 9-8-8 in Canada.¹⁵